So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
