You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
