i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
