The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize