theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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