what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
