I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
