What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
