I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
