Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
