I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
