from now on my penis is your penis
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
