just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
