we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
