Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
