Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
You smell like stripper and shame
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
