I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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