You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
