Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Even my vagina gasped.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
