It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
