someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
