I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize