I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
