Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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