I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Are my feet made of real feet?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
