My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
