Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
im holly from the hills drunk
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize