Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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