Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
