I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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