you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
