I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Randomize