I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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