Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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