when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
