My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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