the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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