I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Never underestimate the power of titties
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