I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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