Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
