I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
