he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
