I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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