Are we in a gay sports bar?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
