...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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