You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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