I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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