Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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