Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
