if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
