Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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