So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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