I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
