Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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