The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
