I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
