saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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