Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
