WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
